Forgiveness sets you free. Download Free Forgiveness Ebook
The demand for self help books and the like shows that there is a huge interest in the general population for such things. Part of our search for meaning is to be able to gain something from the challenges we face in life. To be able to learn, to grow and to heal ourselves helps us feel empowered. Similarly, people who are seeking help from a therapist can feel empowered by being able to participate in their own healing process. Here is one way that we can empower ourselves so that, even if we are being treated for a serious issue, we can choose to be active participants in our own growth and healing – by learning a simple secular method which helps us to move on from the past and forgive ourselves and others….
EMDR Therapy, CBT and Forgiveness?
In my own experience, for example in receiving EMDR Therapy, I found it very helpful to be able to participate in my own healing process. I felt that it gave me a sense of agency in my own life. It helped to feel that I was re-establishing my own personal sovereignty. I was not just reliant on my therapist (whose help and expertise I greatly valued) I was also able to do some “homework” by myself on specific issues too. The trick to this is to be able to use a method which does not trigger some form of deep cathartic process when there was not a therapist around to help me to deal with whatever came up. The answer for me was a simple secular forgiveness method (a method that anyone can use as it is not based on religious ideas) called, The Four Steps to Forgiveness.
In my experience of EMDR, I began to see that it was helping me to resolve deep issues without needing to have any kind of dramatic emotional cathartic outpouring going on. Therefore, it did not surprise me that the same happened when I worked with The Four Steps to Forgiveness. I was able to handle deep issues and they would resolve themselves fairly smoothly and fairly easily. It was only later, in talking to others who went through other therapy processes, that I realised that the same was not true for everyone. Of course, different people may need different approaches. However. I later discovered, when I started sharing The Four Steps to Forgiveness with others, the same thing would happen for them. They could heal their past experiences with minimal fuss and bother. I am not trained in EMDR and don’t have the therapeutic background for it, but I can and do offer people The Four Steps to Forgiveness and have had remarkable results.
My experience of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was somewhat similar to my experience of EMDR. Again, having a method such as the Four Steps to Forgiveness, which I could easily use myself, and which complimented CBT, helped me to feel more empowered and to be able to take charge of my life.
Can Forgiveness Boost the Effects of Other Healing Therapies?
It seems to me that The Four Steps to Forgiveness is a method that would be useful in anyones toolkit of self help methods whether therapist or a client who wants to actively participate in their own healing. The method can be managed by a practitioner, as well as being offered to clients as a Self Help tool, to enable them to release limiting beliefs and attitudes.
I was recently travelling abroad and giving some workshops on Forgiveness, showing people how to use The Four Steps to Forgiveness.The lady I was staying with said to me, “My neighbour Jane would really like to meet you. She is a Psychiatrist and she has heard about the method you are teaching and wants to learn how to use it. “
When I spoke to Jane, the psychiatrist, it turned out that one of her clients had done my workshop on The Four Steps to Forgiveness. Jane was so surprised by the positive changes in her client that she wanted to learn more about the method I had used with the possibility of learning how to use the method too. Of course, I was very happy to teach her and now she also gives workshops on “The Four Steps” and often uses it with her clients.
There is much research on forgiveness and how it benefits many aspects of life including mental health issues and social adaptation issue of many kinds. However, there is no specific research that I am aware on based on The Four Steps to Forgiveness. I simply offer it on the basis of “this works really well for me; try it for yourself and see what benefits you get.”
The Subconscious Mind.
We cannot have mental and emotional health if we are clogged up with “undigested” life experiences. Forgiveness unclogs those past experiences and unblocks our life energies.
Many issues which people face come from the beliefs, drives and impulses stored in the subconscious mind being triggered and arising in every day life in inappropriate ways. Forgiveness by its very nature tends to address and resolve these issues. Many forms of therapy are in effect ways of addressing the subconscious and helping to integrate what is stored there into daily life in useful ways. Therefore it seems to me that whatever form of therapy is being used; Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. (DBT), Emotion-Focused Therapy, Mindfulness-based Therapy, or some type of group, family or interpersonal therapy. All could potentially be enhanced and boosted by adding a forgiveness process like The Four Steps to Forgiveness into the mix.
Lack of forgiveness and lack of the ability to forgive, is likely an underlying cause of many mental health problem. Just like we cannot have a healthy physical body with undigested food blocking up the normal channels of digestions; we cannot have mental and emotional health if we are clogged up with “undigested” life experiences. Forgiveness unclogs those past experiences and unblocks our life energies.
If we feel very bitter, resentful and angry about something which has happened to us, or excessively guilty and ashamed for something we have done, it is essential that we learn to move on at let go of the past. Forgiveness makes us free. It frees us from living part of our life continuously as if we were locked in the past.
Couples Therapy, Relationship Counselling & Marriage Counselling
Though I have tended to offer The Four Steps to Forgiveness to people on an individual basis, or in group workshops, it would be highly beneficial for couples to use it regularly. Often in relationships unhealed issues can build up and old resentments can gradually increase until they erupt into a crises which push the couple apart. Forgiveness could greatly enhance Couples Therapy, Relationship Counselling and Marriage Counselling as it would give the couple something which they can use to gain a different perspective and break out of the types of negative thinking habits which can become destructive to a relationship.
Of course forgiveness is not always the answer as open and honest communication and healthy boundaries are important in a relationship too. There is no substitute for being able to speak ones’ truth and a Couples Therapist, or Relationship or Marriage Counsellor can be of immense help in creating the safe space necessary for that to happen. However, if the couple can also learn to let go of resentments, by learning how to forgive, this can reduce the charge behind their feelings and make communication more open, free and mutually compassionate and supportive.
From Wounds to Wisdom
It can be very difficult to find anything of value in some life situations, but that is all the more reason to try for that flowers into wisdom.
When we have an experience in life it is an opportunity to learn and to grow. It can be very difficult to find anything of value in some life situations, but that is all the more reason to try for that flowers into wisdom. . For example, when I went through divorce I found it very painful. But I also discovered new resources of emotional strength and resiliency that I did not know I had – especially as I learned to let go of anger shame and blame and forgave myself and my ex. This not only helped me cope with the divorce it also helped me become a more resilient and happier person in the longer term.
If we insist on thinking of ourselves as the victim of circumstances it will be difficult, or impossible, for anyone to help us.
If we insist on thinking of ourselves as the victim of circumstances it will be difficult, or impossible, for anyone to help us until we change our attitude. Even the best of therapists can be confounded by the person who clings to wanting to be seen as the victim. If we build our sense of self, around feelings of being wounded, harmed and treated unfairly, then our self esteem will be low. It will then become difficult to feel and sense of wellbeing which makes life worth living.
Yet, you can learn to let go of the past. You can create a positive and empowered self image which allows you to build your sense of self as a strong, capable and independent person. You can find a renewed sense of vigour and passion for life.
What we all need to do is to learn how to forgive, and use it when we need to, so that things get better. Why not try The Four Steps to Forgiveness for yourself and see how it works in your life? If you are a practitioner, then you will see if it would be relevant for your clients.
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Written by: William Fergus Martin
Author: Forgiveness is Power
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Four Steps to Forgiveness
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Four Steps to Forgiveness
A powerful way to freedom, happiness and success.
William Fergus Martin
ISBN: 978-1-63443-344-0