How to Forgive Infidelity, Adultery, Separation and Divorce.
Forgiveness is Power. Forgiveness sets you Free.
Perhaps you have been betrayed by a wife or husband or a boyfriend or girlfriend. Perhaps you have drifted apart for some reason and the challenges and the stresses and strains of modern life have caused you to separate from your loved one. Or perhaps you have been through, or are still in the process of, a messy and painful divorce.
This can be a very painful and lonely experience. You may not be sure if there is any way to resolve the situation between you. Perhaps you hope for the best, but fear the worst. However, there is no need to make it any worse than it has to be. We can let go of much of the pain of the situation by being willing to forgive. Forgiving someone does not automatically mean that we will accept them back into our life again. Forgiveness is simply a way to let go of the pain from a situation so that we then decide on the best way forward.
If we experience the betrayal of trust by someone we love this can feel very painful. Whatever way we describe it – betrayal, infidelity, unfaithfulness, adultery, extramarital relations, extramarital sex – it can come as a real shock to discover that someone we have trusted has tricked us and has lied to us. The shock can be like a physical blow as we reel from the impact of realising that the person we trusted the most has deceived us.
Sometimes the shock of betrayal can feel similar to the shock of the death of someone close to us. We have a deep sense of loss as we may feel that all we hoped, planned and imagined with that person is threatened, or has already come crashing down. We grieve not only for the loss of what we had; we also grieve what could have been. All our hopes and dreams have turned into disappointment, fear and despair.
We may feel that not only have we lost a lover, but that we have lost our best friend. In our darkest moments, we may wonder whether we will ever be able to trust another person in the same way again. We may even be tempted to become bitter and cynical.
However, it does not have to be this way. There is a way out. We can still find happiness and fulfilment and it depends on our choices and not on other people’s behaviour. We may wonder how to survive this bitter blow, We may ask ourselves, “Should I forgive this person and what would it mean to do that?”
Forgiveness and Reconciliation are Not the Same
First, it is important to understand that forgiveness and reconciliation, although they often go together, are not the same thing. ‘Forgiveness’ is letting go of the desire to punish someone. ‘Reconciliation’ is restoring and maintaining a relationship with someone. We can choose to forgive without choosing to reconcile. In other words we can choose to let go of wanting to punish someone; yet still choose to not stay in a relationship. Or we may choose to have a different type of relationship than we had with them before the betrayal happened. Forgiving and reconciling are two different choices.
It is better to work on forgiving someone before deciding what to do about reconciliation. Forgiving them first helps us let go of painful feelings and helps make sure that any decision we make about a possible reconciliation will clearer, wiser and kinder and not be made in a mood of bitterness, resentment and anger. If we make a decision about the relationship before working on forgiving the other person we may make a decision out of vengeance, out of wanting to hurt them, which may cause us a lot of long-term hurt too.
We can even choose to do Tough Forgiveness (this is a bit like “tough love”), which is where we choose to forgive the person (and do some work on that), but we negotiate terms and conditions about the process of reconciling with them. Tough Forgiveness means we make clear agreements with the person about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Yet, we do this with an attitude of mutual respect, not as a form of emotional bullying, or subtle vengeance.
Often when things go wrong in a relationship we blame ourselves. We ask ourselves, “What did I do wrong?” or we may wonder, “What is wrong with me?” and we feel like a failure. This is where Self Forgiveness is vital as it is too easy to swing between blaming ourselves, or blaming the other person. Blame does not help; compassion and understanding toward ourselves and the other person does help. The way to reach compassion and understanding is to forgive ourselves and forgive the other person. Forgiving ourselves help us to forgive the other person; forgiving the other person helps us to forgive ourselves. That is the nature of Forgiveness: it increases by giving.
How to Forgive
This bring us to the most important point of “How do we forgive?” or, ”How do I forgive?” Most people have been taught that they ‘should’ forgive, but they have not learned ‘how’ to forgive. If you do not know how to forgive this is not surprising. You were probably never taught how to forgive, so you cannot be expected to know how to do it.
However, there is remedy for this. You can use the Four Steps to Forgiveness to learn how to forgive quickly and easily. The Four Steps to Forgiveness is a simple, practical technique which anyone (no matter their philosophy, religion, or beliefs) can use to forgive. It works on very simple principles which anyone can use. You do not have to ‘believe’ anything. You just need to use it and you will see that it works.
You can use the Four Steps to Forgiveness for free. It is available for immediate download – you do not even need to put in your email address to download it.
We offer The Four Steps to Forgiveness for free, because humanity needs to learn how to forgive. We have had it translated into Russian so that we can offer it as a gift, from us in Scotland, to our brothers and sisters in Russia (or Russian-speaking people anywhere in the world). Please accept it with our heartfelt good feelings.
Quotes from people around the world about The Four Steps to Forgiveness:
“Thank you so much! Your book is so great.” P.Y., India.
“It’s Magic! It really works.” K.B. Scotland, UK.
“Wow! an Awesome ebook!” I.H., Indonesia.
God bless you! I have needed to read your words for a long time.” D.N., Egypt.
“I love your thoughts. ‘Forgiveness sets you free’. That’s so right!” P.B. Thailand
“This book is so valuable, and it helped me a lot when something was bothering me.” G.T., Philippines
“I really appreciate your book and the work you do for people!” J.M., Brazil.
“Your book is extraordinarily interesting. Such a wonderful experience. Very powerful tools.” R.S., Vietnam
“I’m enjoying your book so much! It’s and easy read and the personal approach makes it so alive and captivating.” L.D. Netherlands.
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Four Steps to Forgiveness
Four Steps to Forgiveness
A powerful way to freedom, happiness and success.
William Fergus Martin